Conflict Resolution When Diagnosed With Anxiety And Depression

• Overthrowing defensiveness
• Depersonalizing your partner’s behavior
• Learning to communicate through discord

You will learn to break negative cycles of conflict.  You will learn how to identify and understand your own triggers and those of your partners.

Overthrowing Defensiveness

Often times when we are weakened by emotion whether from depression or anxiety, we are vulnerable to feel that anything a partner does or says is an attack on us.  We tend to interpret any communications or actions in the most negative way possible, when in most cases that was not the intentions from our partners.  When we feel like we are being attacked we automatically become defensive, which in turn we then claim zero responsibility for any of the blame of the problem that is caused.  By saying you aren’t to blame assumes that your partner had hostile intentions.  Refer to the following chart to see how a communication or action can be interpreted negatively and automatic defense response.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

In order to learn how to stop making negative assumptions and following it up with a defensive response, you need to see how such behaviors pan out in your day to day life.  Use the following chart to track events in which such behaviors show up.  Afterwards, see the alternative to defensive responses.  Follow the directions for the chart.

1.  On the left side, record any communications or actions that you feel are hostile from your partner.
2. In the middle column, record how you interpreted what happened.
3. In the right side, record how you responded

Once you have completed this exercise you should be more aware of your own triggers.  Now it’s time to learn the alternative to the defensive response.  Whenever you feel the urge to be defensive, take a moment and inquire with your partner to find out their true intentions.  To do these follow these steps:

1.  Keep you mouth closed the moment you feel attacked.
2. Take a slow deep breath and exhale very slowly and repeat a couple of times until you feel calmer.
3. Once you are calmer, inquire as to what their intentions were and explain what your own worries are without attacking them.

It’s Not Always About You

It’s very easy to misinterpret how others feel.  When someone you care about is angry, it’s easy to believe it involves you in some way.   When this happens you can easily become distressed and in turn become defensive.  We all have intense emotions about events and beliefs that can be triggered easily.

Learn to identify your partner’s triggers so you can understand the emotion behind the anger.  Understanding your partner in this way, will help you see that all of this anger really isn’t about you, which allows you to feel empathy instead of defensiveness.

Identify your partner’s triggers by reading over the following chart.  Think about how they react to events in life.  Rate them on a scale from 1 to 5 with 1 being almost never and 5 being almost always.

In any spot with a rating of 3 or higher, you have found your partners triggers.  Things in life that happen tie into those triggers are surely to produce strong emotions.  Once you have figured out their triggers observer them in action over the next few weeks and keep track of when you notice them expressing negative emotions.  Record the event and your partner’s overall reactions and then what the trigger is.  By doing this you will learn to let go over your own anger knowing it’s not about you.

Shifting the focus

The language you choose when you are communicating concerns makes a big difference in how the communication goes as well as how heated it will become.  Learn how to communicate without counterattacking your partner.  You will have to clearly state how you feel about an issue and start off with the word “I” rather than “you”.  This will take lots of practice to master.  You should know that this could lead to a negative response by your partner, but your odds are significantly greater as compared to blaming your partner altogether.

Learn how to buffer your communication.  Add a phrase that conveys the possibility that your position may not be entirely correct.  Check out the examples of buffering and unbuffering and see which leads to a useful conversation.  Afterwards, record your own buffered alternatives.