- Life-lenses and their power
- Your personal problems of life-lenses
- Changing the prescription of your life-lenses
When the alarm clock goes off every morning, how do you wake up and see the world? Do you need to grab your glasses, put in your contacts, or can you see perfectly without those tools?
Your reality can be altered by how you see things. The process of looking at your life and your actions can be distorted by your own personal vision of how things are. Many scholars consider this to be a process called “viewing through life-lenses”. How you are able to incorporate yourself into your world, your friendships or relationships, your career, any events or special circumstances in your life, and how you react or interact with these criteria are all bound within your specific life-lense view.
The roles of perception take many shapes. Some are the eternal optimist with their tinted rose glasses, while other view life through the cracked lenses of pessimism. Through the work we will help you to determine what shape your lenses are in and how you can view your personal problems to overcome any emotional roadblocks in the way of your life-lenses.
Evaluating the role of Life-lenses
Throughout your day, you will make various assumptions about the world you live in. Whether those assumptions have basis in validity such as the turning of a traffic light from red, to yellow, to green; or whether or not your alarm clock will go off in the morning after you set it, assumptions allow your life to be easier and more efficient.
For the purpose of this article is a life-lens is a specific type of assumption that one does not normally question. Typically these are the assumptions that describe how you feel about yourself, the surroundings you reside, and the many varied things that happen to you. Various terminologies exist to describe your life-lenses including the perfectionist or the vulnerable life-lenses. The first makes the assumption everything you do is perfect, while the second suggests you live in a dangerous world.
The one item to keep in mind regarding life-lenses is the role they play as a broad theme to your existence. The life-lens model influences how you think, feel, and exist, as well as helping to determine your reactions to life events. There is no set pattern that determines what will influence a specific life-lens.
If we take two personalities, Eve and Sandy, we know they are both qualified in their organization as effective leaders? When a position opens in their organization for a senior leadership position, they both apply. However, someone from outside the company is awarded the position. Eve makes statements she should have been given the job, she states she will not work with the new leader, and that the position should have remained an internal position.
Sandy on the other hand begins to approach it by stating she should never have applied, she never should have tried to go above her current position-no matter what her current supervisor said, but she does agree they made a solid decision in whom they chose.
There are two types of life-lenses in action here. The first one is an entitlement lens that suggests the world owes something to the wearer of this lens. By having this lens in place, one makes the assumption whatever the wearer wants, they should get. The second one is an inadequacy lens that prevents an individual from believing they are good enough for anything they perform. This person feels their level of education or knowledge is never sufficient and as a result, they begin to keep themselves from trying to perform.
These two different lenses are applied by these two individuals to most events in their lives. From the simple driving home on the freeway, Eve believes no one else knows how to drive whereas Sandy thinks she is at fault for not leaving earlier.
Try to evaluate the actions in your life and how you may be affecting your life. If you can begin to understand and identify the lenses you are wearing, you can learn how to make changes.
In the following questionnaire, take the time to list and identify what life-lens is present in your life. You should:
- Answer honestly to each question to avoid self-delusion
- Take time to reflect upon various life events and their impact on your—avoid rushing through this
- Make sure to answer the questions on how you feel and react to specific events
- Understand that inconsistencies can happen in this exercise-answer each question honestly
- Answer the questions on how often each lens describes you and your actions.
The following should be the rating scale to use:
- if the lens never describes you
- if it occasionally describes you
- if it sometimes describes you
- if it usually describes you
- if it always describes you
Life Lenses Questionairre
| LENS | OPPOSITE LENS |
| ___Unworthy I do not believe good things happen to me. I am uncomfortable when people are nice to me. | ___Entitled I do deserve the best things. I can have almost everything I want. If I can’t get something I think I need, I am not happy. |
| ____Abandonment-Fearful People have to reassure me to make me feel loved. I worry a lot about losing my loved ones. I am jealous and cling to my loved ones. | ____Intimacy-avoidant I don’t like being close to people. I am careful to avoid emotional commitments. I really don’t want anyone in my life. |
| ___Inadequate I am not as talented or important as others. I just can’t make a difference with what I do. I don’t do things I am not familiar with because I will fail. | ___Perfectionist I am perfect, therefore everything I do must be perfect. There is a right versus wrong way of doing things, I must do the right way. |
| ___Guilty and blameworthy The events in life are usually my fault. I worry all the time I did the wrong thing. | ___Guiltless Morality, ethics, and conscience don’t bother me. I do what I want when I want no matter what. |
| __Vulnerable Bad things always happen. The future is scary and the world is dangerous. | __Invulnerable I am able to withstand everything. Nothing can hurt me. I have good luck and I do not plan for the unexpected. |
| ___Help-seeking I look for help from everybody. People take care of me and I like this. | ___Help-avoidant I don’t like asking for favors and I like to do things alones. |
| __Under-control My impulses guide my life. I don’t know how to set limits. I express my emotions, not control them. | ___Over-control I hate losing control. No one knows how I feel or when I feel. I don’t like trusting others to run my life. |
If you have given yourself a 3 or higher, those items may give you some difficulty at some point in your life-past, present or future. Don’t lose any sleep if you have many that rate this high. Many find themselves in this position.
Take time to reflect on your questionnaire below.
My reflections
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The inner workings of life-lenses
By now you should begin to see how life-lenses can cause trouble in your life and how they can be considered the root of emotional turbulence in your life. We will discuss some specific examples and show you how life-lenses can impact your personal vision and your emotional state of mind. Keep in mind the broad nature of the life-lense.
For the following exercise imagine three different fathers who react to the same situation of their daughter coming home late one evening. Each will have a different reaction and we examine how each father uses a specific life-lense makes a difference in how the father reacts.
Pete:
Event: It is 11:30 pm and my daughter just got home and her curfew was 11 pm.
| Life-lens and Description | The thoughts associated | How does he feel |
| Guilty and blameworthy: have I done the right thing raising my child? | If I was a better father, I know she would have been on time. | Feelings of sadness and depression |
John:
Event: It is 11:30 pm and my daughter just got home and her curfew was 11 pm.
| Life-lens and Description | The thoughts associated | How does he feel |
| Over-control: I should be in charge of anything and everyone. | She can’t be late! She better respect my authority. I tell her what time to be home and she should listen. | Extreme Anger |
Jeff:
Event: It is 11:30 pm and my daughter just got home and her curfew was 11 pm.
| Life-lens and Description | The thoughts associated | How does he feel |
| Abandonment-fearful: I am going to lose the people I care about; If I lose my daughter, can I make alone? | She’s been hurt. She can’t call me. I should go find her because she needs me. | Anxiousness and fearful |
Each of the individuals has a unique perspective on this same event. How do you view events? Take time to follow the example and create your own Life-lense Worksheet.
For completing this task, make sure to follow the five simple rules.
- Write down any event that causes you distressing emotions. It can be an actual event or a thought that comes to mind. Be specific.
- In the middle column, describe the thoughts you have about this event.
- The feelings column requires your describe how you feel about this event.
- Refer back to the Life-Lenses Questionnaire to ensure you know if more than one lens applies to you. Make sure to document all life lenses that apply.
- Follow up with your self-reflection chart and document your reactions.
Event:
| Life-lens and Description | The thoughts associated | How does he feel |
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Event:
| Life-lens and Description | The thoughts associated | How does he feel |
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Event:
| Life-lens and Description | The thoughts associated | How does he feel |
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My reflections
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Where life-lenses come from
There is no standard thought about where life-lenses came from. Most thoughts consider the childhood you had as the starting point for life-lenses. Through repeated efforts, people begin to make the perspective sweep of being a perfectionist, inadequate, undeserving, etc. Factors that help to create life-lenses are abuse, betrayal, criciticism, loss, rejection, and emotionally charged events.
Having parents who went overboard, no matter how well intentioned, also makes an impact. Overprotective parents create vulnerable children. If you were a single child, your parents made sure you had everything creating a sense of entitilement.
You need to jump to the realization you must understand and change your life-lenses by examining the events in your life that caused those lenses. Once you can find out where they started, you can begin to forgive yourself for thinking yourself weird, crazy, etc.
For an individual who suffers from anxiety, the following chart may apply. The categories of intimacy-avoidant and entitlement apply, as does inadequate and perfectionist. This individual begins to use the Origins of Life Lenses sheet.
Life-lens origins
| Lens | Opposite lens |
| Unworthy: the lens doesn’t apply | Entitled: My mom made me feel special. I was treated better than others. |
| Abandonment-fearly: the lens doesn’t apply | Intimacy-avoidant: I was told I was special, but no one listened to me. If I was lonely, I was told I had all the best money could buy. I learned not to need people. |
| Inadequate: If I made a mistake, I was made to feel like an idiot. | Perfectionist: If I didn’t make my parents look good, I was punished. I learned to be perfect living with critical parents. |
Example reflections
Everytime I remember my young childhood, I realize my parents and family were distant and cold. I was ridiculed when I was not perfect and treated like a second class citizen. I am anxious and worried if I cannot be the perfect person. I become upset and depressed if I am not able to be perfect in all that I do. Because I felt lonely and unloved as a child, I have a hard time trusting people and keep away from intimate relationships. I still have a hard time not believing possesions and property are more important than people.
It is time for you to perform this same task.
Use the same Origin Life-lens worksheet as above and record any item you had that was a 3 or higher. Make sure to reflect back on your childhood. Make note of any item that may have played a contribution to your answers. Then reflect back onto the results.
| Lens | Opposite Lens |
| Unworthy: | Entitled: |
| Abandonment-fearful: | Intimacy-avoidant: |
| Inadquate: | Perfectionistic: |
| Guilty and Blameworthy: | Guiltless: |
| Vulnerable: | Invulnerable: |
| Help-seeking: | Help-avoidant: |
| Under-control: | Over-control: |
My reflections
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Grinding a new prescription for your life lenses
The preceding exercises should have shown you what life-lenses should be targeted as cuasing problems within your life. To help you overcome those challenges, we will share some specific tools to help you make a change to those life-lenses. These life-lenses we are trying to break are not made of the simple breakable glass; they are not able to be shattered by simply throwing them to the ground.
This is a challenging process, one you may not be completely prepared for. The time and energy for this process is more daunting than you realize. The changes you make today could result in falling back to your previous life-lens depending on the type of day you may have had. This is understandable, however, you need to slowly make the change to the new life –lenses on a more permanent basis.
The past, not the present
The emotional responses to events caused some life-lenses to develop. If you recall these events, they do make sense in that background. However, because you have changed through the years, you need to change how you review what happened and look back with the newest prescription of your life lenses with a clear, concise 20/20 vision.
If we revisit our sample information from earlier posts, we see the life-lens of perfectionist again. This individual was criticized when things weren’t done the way the parents thought they should have been done. Having this life-lens allowed for less pain and trauma through the years. Now as an adult, this life-lens can cause more problems for the wearer that can include stress, anxiety, possibly even depression. This life-lens of perfectionist is more damaging today than when a child. The Then and Now exercise can help determine what triggers emotions and behaviors.
Then and Now exercise
| Problem Life Lens | Childhood View: | Current View |
| Perfectionist: I must do everthing perfectly. If I don’t I feel terrible. | Whenever my clothes were dirty, my mom would yell.
My dad wasn’t happy with anything I did. If I had a perfect score, he didn’t appreciate it.
My parents talked bad about everyone. They were very critical. |
If get my shirt dirty from everyday use, or spill coffee on my shirt, I get very anxious.
I hate evaluations at my job. If I don’t get a perfect grade, I think I am not good enough.
My personal appearance is never right. I don’t have the right hair, clothes, etc. I just don’t look good enough. |
Removed the example of the adam shooting spree
Here is your time to perform you Then and Now exercise. Write down the problem life-lens in the left-hand column. The middle column are the views of your childhood. Make sure to list your current view of events in the right-column. Again, record any observations you have.
Then and Now exercise
| Problem Life Lens | Childhood view: | Current view: |
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My reflections
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Current costs or benefits of your existing life-lenses
We know you have some anxiety already that is why you are reading this. We don’t want to cause you anymore anxiety, however, trying to make a change to the life-lenses you currently have will cause some anxiety. These lenses both protect and benefit you from your perspective. Each of us tries to find a way to use our lenses to maintain our view of our emotions, lives, and relationships. This can be a benefit as it protects you from some mistakes you can make.
The true costs of the life-lenses you wear are still to be discovered. We need to help you make that determination in this next section. Review the sample information.
In our sample, we have George a 24 year old college student. He loves to party and have a good time. He believes he has the world under-control and does not set limits in his life or on others. He is fairly comfortable with doing, saying and acting whatever he wants. He has not had trouble, so far…….
The level of partying has taken a drastic turn. Continued drinking until the bars close create opportunities that has him sleeping late and missing classes, experiencing an overabundance of hangovers, and as a result his grades begin to fall. A simple driving excursion turns into a DWI and a letter placing him on academic probation. He finally gains the courage to seek out help at the local mental health clinic (urged by his parents).
The counselor George begins to talk with makes the connection to his life-lenses and asks him to fill out the Cost/Benefit Analysis of this lens.
Cost/Benefit Analysis Sheet
The life-lens under discussion: Under-control. Things can be loose. I can handle anything I put my mind to. If it feels good, do it.
| Benefits | Costs |
| I like to do what I want. It feels good. | |
| I can have a good time. | |
| Rules only impede me and keep me from doing things. | |
| I am seen as an honest and forth right person. | |
| I like telling it how I see it. | |
| My needs are important. I like to indulge them |
These are the benefits George sees. They are quite easy to discover. He questions the rationale behind this exercise and does not see the negatives. With some careful prodding, George re-evaluates the costs.
| Benefits | Costs |
| I like to do what I want. It feels good. | So it feels good now, but what about the hangovers? |
| I can have a good time. | My grades have suffered while I had a good time. |
| Rules only impede me and keep me from doing things. | If I had followed the rules, I would not have a DWI and gone to jail. |
| I am seen as an honest and forth right person. | I hurt some people by being too honest. |
| I like telling it how I see it. | I don’t think it is smart to say everything I feel. I could get into trouble with my anger. |
| My needs are important. I like to indulge them | This may catch up to me sooner than later. |
| I feel like my life is spinning out of control. | |
| I don’t think I will succeed if I continue like this. | |
| My friends seem more in charge of their lives. They appear to be more mature. |
This is the time for you to do your own Cost/Benefit Analysis and self-reflection.
The life-lens under discussion:_____________________________________________________
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My reflections
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Taking Action on your life-lenses
You have made a first step in trying to overcome those life-lenses. The motivation and stage setting were important to help you make the realization you must change. This is the time for you to find out exactly what you need to do by creating a specific plan to overcome your assumptions. Use the following list to help you devise the action you need to take. Don’t let your creativity be thwarted.
Life-Lens Action Steps
| Lens | Opposite Lens |
| Unworthy:
Make sure to ask for what you want. You do deserve good things. |
Entitled:
I won’t demand things. Charities will become a priority for donations. |
| Abandonment-fearful:
I need to stop checking in on people I care about so much. My spouse loves me. I should accept this. |
Intimacy-avoidant:
I must focus on revealing emotions to other people. If I am looking to change, I will try to join a network group. |
| Inadquate:
I can learn how to give a public speech. If a project comes up at work, I will be the leader. |
Perfectionistic:
Will the world end if I wear mismatched socks? I will see. Small mistakes won’t hurt me. |
| Guilty and Blameworthy:
If I feel guilty, I will ask a good friend to see if it is warranted. I will make a list of why I feel guilt. |
Guiltless:
I will try to apologize at least once each week. I make mistakes. Admit them. |
| Vulnerable:
I will overcome one of my fears. I will stop over-protecting my kids. |
Invulnerable:
I can volunteer at a local charity to see what happens if people take too many risks. I should wear a seat restraint when driving. |
| Help-seeking:
I can do things on my own. I will help someone without being asked. |
Help-avoidant:
I will ask for help this week. If I need directions, I will ask for help. |
| Under-control:
I will join a gym and exercise. I will join Weight Watchers and lose weight. |
Over-control:
My spouse will help by making more decisions. I will listen more and talk less. |
Personal Life-lens Action Steps
| Lens | Opposite Lens |
| Unworthy: | Entitled: |
| Abandonment-fearful: | Intimacy-avoidant: |
| Inadquate: | Perfectionistic: |
| Guilty and Blameworthy: | Guiltless: |
| Vulnerable: | Invulnerable: |
| Help-seeking: | Help-avoidant: |
| Under-control: | Over-control: |
This is the time to consider all the past events and situations in your life that have led to your life-lens creation. You had some control over these events, however, many instances you did not. Take the responsibility to make the changes necessary to improve your life vision.
My reflections
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